The End of Amy 3.0

Argh, well, my post detailing my half-marathon, complete with graphic pictures, has been permanently put on hiatus. It's sitting in drafts just DYING to be published, and yet laziness prevails from finishing the damn thing! I DID, however, manage to finish the actual half-marathon, despite bleeding legs (wish I were exaggerating)...so I suppose that's what really matters.

In more important news, I'm in love! I'm over the fact it sounds ridiculous to say that after such a short time, because it's totally 100% true. I finally get all those crazy weirdos who get married after one weekend or whatever. That's not going to be me by any stretch of the imagination, but...it was just a connection like I've never had before, on so many levels. There is none of the insecurity and uncertainty I've had before, which I think is reflective not just of the fact it feels so natural and right, but the fact I'M so much more comfortable and sure of MYSELF. It didn't feel insane one bit to have him come away with me this past weekend to visit my friends with me, and while I'm not so blinded as to say "he's PERFECT," what is PERFECT is us together. It's not about finding the person with no flaws, it's the person whose flaws can mesh with your own, you know? And just as he seems willing and able to put up with my crazy high-maintenance ass, so am I with his. Cue dorky blissful sigh here.

In other news, I'm having surgery in 9 days because, as almost everybody knows, I used to be fat, and now I'm not, but my stomach hasn't gotten the memo. I held off for years because I felt like a shallow anti-feminist loser for not being able to "accept my body the way it is," but you know what? Just as I wrote above, I'm over that shite. I don't like it, it's annoying that clothes that fit elsewhere are too tight there, and it actively interferes with how much I like the way I look. Having the surgery isn't going to make me feel like "I'm a gorgeous model [ha!] now," but I'm very excited about not feeling actively bummed out about it.

What I've come to realize is that it's sort of a way of letting go of part of me I've outgrown (no pun intended). If I had to live my life over again, I don't know that I'd actively choose to gain and then lose 110+ pounds. There is a LOT of negative fallout from that which still affects me, not as profoundly as it once did, but still at a low level. But there is a LOT of positive to the experience that I can point to...it's made me more compassionate of others' struggles with food and self-image. It's made me know what it's like to be different and immediately judged negatively. It's made me confident in my ability to set a goal and reach it. Etc. And to me, having the surgery now is a big old metaphor. I'm discarding what has been negative about the experience, holding on to what has been positive, and forging a new version of myself. Sure, I'm battered and scarred and imperfect....but ultimately happier and stronger for having lived through it.

On December 31, 2007 I sent a text to London Boy that said, "Happy New Year. I'm ready to say goodbye to the worst year ever and hello to a fresh start!" And miraculously, that has proven to be true. I grew to really like, not just be ambivalent about, my job. I have strengthened previous friendships, reconnected with ones that had faded, and formed new ones. I haven't even gone into the dizzying excitement of impending aunthood! And it's a giant cliche, but it's true...that once I found inner peace and tranquility, I was open to really seeing a new person as someone to COMPLEMENT, not COMPLETE, my identity. What can I say? If the rest of 2008 is as awesome as the first half has been....I don't know how I'll ever be able to stop smiling.