"Why Are You So Relentlessly Negative?"

I won't lie. When London Boy said that to me, it hurt. A lot. But, unfortunately, the more I thought about it, the more truth I could see in the statement. I don't know what's up with that. I'm always encouraging with my students and trying to help them see the bright side of almost any situation. But when it comes to me, myself, and viewing my life...not so much.

Now that I'm seeing the light of day again and feel like I can think more coherently, I've been doing a lot of soul-searching and introspection and blah blah blah. These are some of the epiphanies I've had in the past few months:

1). I am never going to be perfect (I know, you want to write that brilliant insight down. Don't worry, I'll wait for you to get a pen). More accurately, the Issues I have always had--wanting to be perfect, hating feeling criticized and judged, etc--will always be a part of me. Just like I'm always (I hope) going to be kind, and supportive and loyal, and funny...I'm also going to always be insecure and anxious. What can change is how I handle these setbacks, and how I handle these less than ideal moments. That is where true growth comes into play. Maturity isn't about not having any weaknesses...it's about not having them be the only way you define yourself.

2). This fall I was dating Mr MD (that's Maryland, not Medical Doctor) and liking him and having some fun, but not seeing my destiny before me or anything. So when he dumped me because he decided he liked someone else better, the sting of rejection smarted a bit, but I didn't go into a tailspin or anything. At first I was feeling like a loser for once again not managing to date anybody long enough to reach the boy/girlfriend stage, but the words "relentlessly negative" popped into my head again. Now, miracle of miracles, this reframing thing is working. No, we weren't meant to be great loves. But there was a LOT I valued about him, namely the fact I could be open and really, really honest about my fears and insecurities, and not be judged negatively for them. That is the first time I really think that happened, so I'm choosing to view it as a good thing. A sign that what I need emotionally from a boy CAN exist, that it's not some impossible ideal I've made up. And I just have to be optimistic that eventually that trait will show up in someone I'm more day to day compatible with (and who, presumably, will feel similarly towards me). Unfortunately, this leads into the next revelation...

3a). That despite my best intentions, I am not 100% over the secret agent choir boy. (I met him at the beginning of the summer and fell madly into what I thought was mutual infatuation, only to have it crash and burn and then suffer through being jerked around and mixed signals for way too long before finally growing a spine and putting it to rest.) It doesn't matter whether or not I "should" be, whether or not it is ridiculous to still have moments of wanting someone back. I still have them, and I can't be too hard on myself for them. I just have to keep the negatives--the aforementioned mixed signals, being jerked around, not feeling like he cared much about ME and MY feelings--in the forefront of my mind to have a Fair and Balanced perspective. In fact, this is actually the opposite of point the first. The secret agent choir boy was NOT perfect for me, and defining him ONLY by his positives (day to day compatibility and fun) without keeping his negatives in mind is not healthy. And in fact, the negatives were SO detrimental to me that I really kind of have to at least attempt to define him by those if I have any hope of fully moving on.

3b). That said, I really am trying to stop torturing myself and put the past in the past. For awhile I hated driving past his place (unfortunately for me, he lives 5 minutes from where I work, so that was pretty inevitable) because the memories would come flooding back. Guess what? I am blessed/cursed with a pretty good memory. I still know phone numbers from elementary school. I'M NOT GOING TO FORGET HE LIVES THERE. Why get all upset every time I drive past it? Why not say, "Yeah, a guy I used to date lives there?" the way I say about places friends from high school I no longer talk to live? It isn't a bad thing. It just IS. On a similar note, if I allow myself to stay mired in that past...it's going to defeat me. And I am nothing if not competitive and determined not to be defeated by ridiculous things such as a boy.

4). People aren't nearly as hard on me as I am on myself. That's something people have said to me for years, but I'm finally realizing that hey, it might be true. When I made an ass of myself in front of a huge group of students? I felt like a moron, but my coworker pointed out they weren't really going to remember. And he's right. I've since talked to some of those students and guess what? They don't laugh in my face and act like I'm useless. It makes having less than perfect moments a lot easier to handle, knowing that they'll fade over time. It makes me a lot more likely to let them fade from MY brain.

Since the year is drawing to a close and I've been terrible about updating, I'll go for the Grand Concluding End of 2007 Pronouncements a bit early. Things sucked for a long time, and now they really don't. Nothing in my life is perfect and just the way I want it, but it's all pretty damn good. I have a job in my field; I have friends and family who care about me. The things that cause me angst (wanting to lose weight, meet boys)? Despite writing endlessly about them above, they would be nice, but they're not going to make or break me.

For the first time since I moved back here, I feel consistently like me again. A me that I like a lot. It's weird. But pretty awesome. (How's that for ending on a positive note?)

I'm Not Dead

I'm just a work in progress. As, I suppose, we all are....