The Lost Summer
Well, this summer, okay this year, was pretty much a disaster. I don't want to say too much because a) you know, public forum, and I do have SOME dignity and b) I'm actually finally ready to move on, but let's just say I'm going to have to write off July 2006-September 2007 as the forgotten year (plus). I guess it kind of sucks to reflect back on the fact that 33 was basically a black vortex of crippling depression unlike any I've experienced since 1995, but I'm working on easing up on the self-flagellation thing, so I'm just going to label it "a learning experience" and hopefully not get too worked up beyond that.
On a happier note, my sister and I went running together for the first time all summer yesterday. As I'd mentioned earlier (and she has discussed as well), surgery on June 4 put her out of commission for six weeks. Then it was hot, motivation was low, blah blah blah. Both of us were still exercising in other ways, and I was semi-regularly doing my bleachers climbing/jogging thing, but straight jogging for any prolonged period of time? Not happening. So we said yesterday we would go for 20 minutes and re-evaluate at that point, continuing for 5 minutes each time until we were done. And...our pace was crap, but we went for thirty minutes, and when we stopped? No urges to barf. It was all good.
And that, almost more than anything else, has brought me back around to feeling more like myself. Okay, not really, but it did sort of reinforce the feeling of "on the mend" I've been having, but only cautiously, as if to acknowledge it would make it disappear again. Prior to the run I was seriously questioning if I wanted to do it anymore, and only feeling like I should because I'd worked so hard to get to the half-marathon level of fitness the previous April and would regret losing it. There's just something about running that in my prior state of couch potatoness I NEVER thought I would like, and that I'd sort of forgotten before yesterday. I can't 100% articulate it, but partially it just makes me feel strong, not just physically, but mentally. Another part is just liking the continued challenge. And for whatever reason, more than step aerobics or weights, running keeps me motivated to eat better. Which, of course, leads to FEELING better. I'm never going to be a total health food junkie, I'm never going to weigh 120, I'm always going to have ice cream for dessert and crave peanut M&Ms. But I CAN eat better, and more fruits and blah blah blah, than I've been doing lately, and the run yesterday snapped me back into that mindset. For the first time today in weeks I didn't buy these giant delicious (yet evil) chocolate chip cookies the snack bar sells at work. I even managed to eat my yogurt for breakfast and carrots for snack (usually they fall by the wayside in favor of the aforementioned cookies). And that's progress....right?
Labels: what's so amazing about really deep thoughts?
