One left a sweater sitting on the train...the other lost three fingers at the cannery

I don't have a huge amount of coherence (or even funniness) to post, but since I no longer feel like shite about the whole racist sleazball debacle...I wanted to post SOMETHING so that it's not the first thing that pops up on my page. Or something like that.

So, Miss Alli is awesome because first she cheered me up about the whole thing and then she wrote me the funniest email ever after the fact that I am simultaneously still laughing about and in awe of for multiple reasons that are too long to go into. Anyway, the point is, the guy's an ass, and while I no longer thing I did something "wrong," the lesson I'm taking away from the whole thing is...stop screening for whether or not the person likes ME (with whether or not I like him secondary...because in each of these bad news cases I did, but could also see why it would be a mistake to get involved) and start screening for whether or not *I* like the person. Believe it or not, despite these horror stories I've had happen since I moved back, in a weird way my self-esteem has been boosted just because I've learned that people liking me is not going to be a few and far between thing that I need to hold on to at all costs. And with that in mind, surely I can move on to more mundane "it didn't work out" stories, no?

Besides, I don't want to sound like "At least I have my health!" but...the stuff I have been angsting about these months? Small potatoes in the greater scheme of things. I get het up about the job and my performance and whether or not I'm succeeding...I get anxious about boy stuff and adjustment stuff and all that...but at the same time as these things are going on, every single person in my life has something a lot more life-changing going on. Two of the people I love most in the world are having major health things right now. Two others are about to have major career changes. One has perpetual money issues and ongoing arguments with a significant other about planning for the future. And yes, of course my issues seem big to ME at the time, but...it could be a lot worse. Hey, even back in September, it WAS a lot worse. So yes, progress and all that.

And of course, VA Tech. There's not a whole lot to say that's any different from what anybody else said, particularly since it's not like I KNEW anybody there. And yet I find myself bursting into tears over it, like when we had to have a moment of silence at a work-related dinner the other night. I don't understand 100% what that's about...but there it is. It happened, it sucks, I feel horrible for all who have to deal with it. Yes, even the killer's family. What a mess.

It's not Me, but...It's Totally Me

What do you do when you realize you have the worst taste ever? I finally started to notice this trend wherein I keep being attracted to people who are bad for me...who make me feel insecure and off-balance and unsure of myself, while simultaneously having some kind of quality that draws me to them. Whether it's that they SEEM super-kind and understanding (though eventually prove they're not), or the artistic bent I like, or whatever...I keep getting blinded by the true dick qualities until it's too late. And on the plus side, I can see it's a problem. But on the minus side...I don't know how to fix it.

Take the latest drama, most of which can make me laugh, except for one small part.

1). The guy was cute, and had qualities I really liked about him (being close to his family one of them), and had a side interest in psychology/counseling/social work despite being in the boringest profession ever (sales). So we went out on a date and all was well. Some kissing may have occurred but nothing I wouldn't want to tell my mom happened (heh).

2). Second date...not so much a date as sitting on my couch while he metaphorically sobs over the women who have screwed him over and how he hasn't been able to do anything with anybody since without being drunk. RED FLAGS!

3). And yet...because I want to think of myself as a Good Person, a Caring Person...I send an email a few days later saying "Hey, you seem like you're not ready for anything right now, if you want to just hang out in a friendly way, that's cool."

4). And of course...I get an email in response basically dumping me and saying why he would never fall for me. Which, okay, I had the RED FLAGS! thing going, so it's not like I was in love, but...my feelings still were hurt. Mostly just because I'd seen RED FLAGS! and ignored them to try to be nice, so it was more annoyance over my own stupidity.

The Aftermath:

1). A new ad gets posted by him with the specification that "no offense ethnic mixes...but this guy needs a white girl." Needless to say, that was NOT something mentioned in the ad *I* responded to. (His picture was attached in both ad #1 and #2, which is how I know it's him...)

2). The next ad he posts that he's looking for someone under a size 4, and that the so-called bbw (big beautiful women) attraction guys post about is a vast conspiracy by bbw's to make themselves feel better. Again, I'm not a size 4, and again, that's NOT something he posted in the ad *I* responded to...

Now those things are kind of horrifying and inadvertantly humorous, like in a WHOA, I dodged a bullet! I accidentally dated a white supremacist! kind of way. Until the next aftermath point:

3). The next ad posted that details everything that happened between us (minus my name), which included characteristics about my body (uh...I'm not one who can go without a bra, basically), things that happened between us physically, a summation of the content of some flirtatious emails that were sent, and how ultimately since I was a big easy slut he couldn't go through with it and weren't there any NICE girls (yes, he said girls) on this website? Even the city this poster lives in was his...the only difference was the age was changed. Now what are the odds that this happened to two people from the same city, right? So it's totally me.

And basically what it boils down to is that some racist sleazeball who has issues with women being "good" or "bad" just because they fool around/don't fool around on a first date (again, remember, nothing I wouldn't want my mom to know happened....) has made me feel really crappy about myself. And somehow that seems really, really wrong.

The obligatory American Idol post

Every year my interest in AI gets lower and lower. The first year I came in the middle of the top 10 (I missed Jim Verraros, gay boy with deaf parents, and creepy Ejay, long lost member of the Jackson 5) and loved Kelly Clarkson. And okay, probably voted for her a bunch too. The second year I wasn't strongly for anybody once Trenyce (I know, I know...TRENYCE?) got eliminated, the third year I liked Fantasia...after that it gets blurry. Except for my shameful, horrifying, unholy love for Constantine, whatever year he was. After he got eliminated I stopped watching.

Anyway, I tried to get out last year but it's just too much of a spinning hurricane. I mean, when you work with teenagers...it's a great opening. Since I can't bear to sit through the six weeks of endless bad auditions, I come in when it's time to start voting. And hoo boy, is this year a total nightmare or what? Seriously, I can't stand any of them. Even the supposed front runners, LaKisha and Melinda "no neck," irritate the piss out of me. I myself like Jordin the best, but really it's sort of a lukewarm kind of interest. I certainly won't be crying if she's eliminated.

Thank god for Sanjaya, I say. He makes the season worth watching, one because he's so bad it's hilarious, two because the judges clearly have no idea what to do with him, three because he's so full of himself for so little a reason, and four for all the great articles decrying how low American Idol has sunk now that he's popular. People, COME ON. It's AMERICAN IDOL. It's always been shite!

That said, as previously posted, I was in NYC this past weekend and went to the Met. And no trip to a museum is complete without a stop in the gift shop, even if they DON'T sell floaty pens. While we were there, Gill found a picture in one of the Egypt books of an ancient mummy? Or something? And all he could say was, "Look, it's Melinda!" And it so was. And I absolutely had to take a picture of the page with my camera. And every time I open it up on my desktop? I laugh a little more. Oh, Melinda no neck with your faux-humble surprised expressions. I just want to slap you silly. The only thing that would make my amusement more complete is if you were eliminated over Sanjaya. Now THAT would be some good times.

Why Does Everybody Hate Me?

Is it something I say? Is it my appearance? My sense of humor? My breath? Cause seriously, I'm starting to feel more than a little bit abandoned these days. It doesn't help when even the people you are PAYING to be in your life start dissing you...like your (non-Hollywood, non-glamorous) trainer. He didn't show up last week, and after I paranoiacally confirmed it WAS Thursday and it WAS 6 a.m., left him a note asking him to call me. No call. Today? No sign of him. What is the deal? You know you're screwed when even $65/hour can't confirm someone will remain in your life.

I heart NY, Part 2

Fancy spa pedicures, massages, the Met, walking all over, eating yummy Chinese food, your pal Gill making you awesome meals, getting away from your job, having your first decent run since you pulled a muscle almost six weeks ago...that's right bitches, it's spring break. And unfortunately I have since realized that I need to take a WEEK off next year, because I did NOT want to come back today but had to. So you know what? I'm 99% sure I'm taking tomorrow and Friday off. I think I'm getting sick. Cough, cough, cough.